so i have been with him for over a year and i know he loves me very much. we went on a cruise together, other vacations he has accepted my daughter, moved on together is right by my side in cort for my daughter and is there when ever i need him.I am the first girl to meet his family. he has like stopped going out. never gives me anyreason to not trust him. the problem is when we first got together he was not a great guy he just drank and worked and had sex with girls. and about 2 weeks after we got together he left me for another girl. (someone that he works with still) we got back together but were unofficial and he kissed another girl... i know nothing really wrong with that and he didnt tell me untill june .. so like 6 months later. I know all of this was so very long ago and before he even said i love you and was serious about us... even though i had feelings for him. the problem is now over a year later i cant stop being super jelious. im not asking if i should be or not because i know i shouldnt be. im asking ways to stop. every chance i get i check his phone and faceboook and anything else he leaves open. i dont get it. i love him and want to be with him. but anytime he even mentions a girls name i get so messed up about it. if he goes out i get angry too... i keep telling my self look i took him back meaning i have to let go of everything. and there is no reason everyone sees he isnt the same person he was. he is a great guy.. all of my friends wish they had a guy like him. tell me that he still gives them hope someone good is out there, i get flowers jewelry he pays for almost everything and would go to the edges of the earth for me.... but somehow i just cant get passed everything and i need to i need some help please

i have been thinking alot lately about our relationship and where its going.. i know i was told not to but isnt that a natural thing? all my friends are taking there relationships to the next levels and were just siting still. i mean i just threw my friend Ashley's wedding shower they have been together like a year my friend Danea is moving in with her bf and talking about the future with kids and marrage openly when i met her like 3 months ago she wasnt even sure if they were dating or not. i mean i see it as a good thing were not moving forward because we can work on us better and not pile on a situation which naturally causes more problems which have to be solved but still naturally i want to be able to at least talk about the future. I know when i do he gets freaked out because when you talk about the future he feels like if he said it now he is obligated to it which is a good thing because he is a man of his word but he doesnt get that with a relationship plans for the future dont always go through but its nice to plan.. i wanna plan for something i dont see him even concidering moving in with me but what can i plan for? I like the fact were taking things slow... not something im used to which is probally a good thing. it seems to have been good for us.but where is there a middle ground for me?

You hate my past.. It's hard for you to get over. I dont blame you. It isn't a great one that i will never be able to completly leave behind. I'm not completly happy with yours. But I view it in a different way. Kinda like this.
I love you baby:)

"Bless The Broken Road"

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

[Chorus:]
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

[Chorus]

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

ugh ok so i have come to terms that I now live on my own and I can make it but it is going to be a whole hell of a lot of work.I just have to wait and see. i think i might like living on my own though. No more messes to clean up and i don't have to worry about other peoples drama and bull shit. there wont be someone constantly nagging me and being up my ass. I went to work yester day and made 120.00 in 5 hours and that was on a wed. so im pretty sure i can do this. Brian is acting strange... I don't think things are good. I honestly don't care anymore.. if he was to leave me right now I would say ok and walk away. why.. well because I'm so tired of trying and worrying and being the one to throw my self out there. So I am just gonna go on with my life if things are good good if not... what can i do. I love him and want to be with him but sometimes im just like damn. I mean when things go good they are good but as soon as something happens i have to worry.. and I admitt things used to happen alot.. but honestly things have been easier latlyey and i loved it,but I have already done all I can do. Anyways I'm really enjoying this nice weather.. not only does it make me more money but make me happier:)

I have no clue what to do right now.. it's one of those situations where i know what happened and he knows what happened. Just like last time people are going to take sides. Just like last time I am going to look like the bad guy. I already do to my bf. Honestly there is so much going on I don't care I cant care. He does so much shit to girls but it "means nothing" or he was "just joking" or "it's different." I dont even care fuck him on that note. I'm so confused over the whole thing I just wanna puke. I have no clue whats going to happen or what people are going to do or what I am going to do. I'm so fucked... I'm contemplating the whole thing of I should have kept my fucking mouth shut because now am I out of a house and have troubles.... ugh im fucked :(

 ahh things are great! well i had my 6 month thig it was great we went ice skating then helmet shopping for his bike then to the mall then to red cedar grill then his house then bowling then out to bar with another couple jessica and justin. it was a great day i got the  journey necklace from j b robinsons.. i have wanted it for so long lol. i cant wait for this cort thing to be over! i went in today for my mip pre trian... yet again and they re schedueled it because they are waiting on the video from the cop car... i dont remember them asking me if i would take the test  jjst telling em what itt  is all i knwo is they better hurry up because  if not and i do end up getting 3 months probation i cant go on the cruise... that would make me sad cuz we just bought the tickets.

 ok so i know 6 months doesn't sound like a long time... i know when i was in my 5 year relationship i saw 6 months as shit but hey  for us and espexially him 6 months is a good milestone and its not about the time were celebrating were celebrating the times and the love. I need some ideas its going to be cold and rainy... so what can we do we always go to dinner anda movie i need something else.. i found this list on line i either want these things or are going to do them ..... but yea any ideas anyone?

Give sunflowers - plus Stevie Wonder's song "You are the sunshine of my life"

Bring home one flower a day for one solid month.

Collect romantic and inspirational quotes. Write them in a journal and give it to your partner as a gift. You can find dozens of quotes right here.

Trace "I love you" on a stick of butter or margarine.   

You can also get some heart-shaped pillows.

Always have tapes of romantic music in your car.

When window shopping, secretly note what your patner likes then return later to pick up that something special.

Put a new piece of jewelry in her jewelry box and wait for her to notice it.

Use a thesaurus to help you describe your lover: beautiful, angelic, divine, sublime, alluring, bewitching, stunning, gorgeous, exquisite, marvelous, magnificent, charming, enticing, fabulous...

Leave a trail of your clothes from the front door to the bedroom.

Kiss every square inch of her body S-L-O-W-L-Y !

Hide a love note in a bottle of vitamins. The note will say: "Try some vitamin L."

Scatter rose petals all over the bed.

Buy the music CD "Let's talk about love" by Celine Dion.

Three simple sex rules:
* gals are slow, guys are fast
* guys are visual: Show him...
* gals are auditory: Tell her...

Write notes on Post-it notes and stick them around the house.

Toss a coin in a fountain and make a wish together.  

Call her at work and ask: "Is this the office of the most beautiful woman in the world?"

Hide a love note in his pants pocket.  .    

Ask him to pick a number between 1 and 50, then reward him with that number of kisses.

Make a habit of taking a stroll after dinner every evening.  

When dining out, share everything: your meals and desserts.

Swing together on playground swings.  

Surprise your partner at work with a single red rose.

Slip a little love note into his wallet, in between the dollar bills.

Drip chocolate syrup on selected body parts before lovemaking.

Give him this written bill after dinner: "Salad: One kiss. Entree: Eight kisses. Dessert: Three kisses. (Tipping is strongly encouraged)"  

While you are both out, have a friend deliver a gourmet dinner to your home.

Gently brush her cheeks with your lips.    

 

Guys: Open the car door for her. 

Eat dinner by candlelight: Tonight!  

 

While your love takes a shower, write the words "I love you" in the condensation of the bathroom mirror. .  

Camp-out in a tent with your lover and picnic in a tree house.

Men: Talk more. Women: Touch more.

So my daughter in the last year and a half developed 38 warts.. :( fingers side of lips tung and even in the lower region. doctors could not explain the rapid spread or anything! Something would have to wrong with her immune system to let them spread this rapidly and not be going away. She had an appointment to see a dermatologist  about an hour away for weekly visits to burn them off then an oral surgeon to get rid of the ones in her mouth. I was cutting her finger nails and got to her last pinkie and realized... wait a minuet i cut both pinkie nails.. something i could not do be fore,,,, HOLY SHIT!  there was only one wart!!! I looked over her body the ones on her lips pretty much gone! tung smaller and only one on her fingers. oh and one on her heal! so in a week with no painful procedures and no oral surgery 36 warts are either gone or pretty damn close!

Well stain girl didn't show up.. YAY! then that night I went to teds party... it was alot Today I am at my brothers house im doing laundry and going to take my daughter out to eat later. I talked to brian about our cruise were taking in august for my b da i told him i wasnt going to have neough money to pre order but i really wanted to go.. Im not sure what were going to do.. Well anyways i am excited about whatever happens.. Im sure with brian planning it it will work out because if anyone should plan something it should be him... It might even be over planned but hey then at least i dont have to worry about it,.. And i have learned my lesson.. when he plans o something... dont get involved... it usually messes things up and the everything comes crashing down. But if I stay out of it it usually will turn out beautifully... and hey if not... well its his fault....

so things are on the up and up latley... well at least i hope they are. i guess i can finally just say.... i dont care if they arnt lol... now dont get me wrong i love him and would be hurt if he left but im totally done stressing whats going to happen. I got a new job.. i love it. I like the people i work with. I have been hanging out with this girl danea from work quite often. she is alot of fun. Tonight I am going to go bowling then probaly to a party for my friend ted. I am not quite sure how bowling is going to go though... um... this girl (we will call her stain girl) might show up. her husband is out of town so she wants to see brian... sounds bad huh?... well stain girl is also a girl that he slept with... ugh i know nothing is between them but i am not sure if i want to be around them or not... the thing is that... brian is a real ass hole for this she is married now but when her husband who was her boyfriend at the time was deployed he slept with her.. i call her stain girl cuz one day brian was pointing out to me that i was making sex stains on his bed and i pointed to one and said we had never done it there.. that was her stain lol. but yea... i am most likely going to go and end up leaving for ted's. I am going to try because i know they are friends but if all i can think about is his hands on her or images of them having sex... because i was so generously informed of even the position and i know where... i am just going to leave then drink alot lol

So things in my world are....I would go ahead and say they are going pretty well. I have for the most part let go of my worries and just am going with the flow... fuck it... as long as i have it why worry and make it bad lets just make the best out of it right... It's weird since i have nothing i am really worried about or sad about dont have much to wright about. I'm over at Brians right now... I rented some movies and came over... i know it sounds dumb but today is our 5th month thing ... I mean were not really celebrating it just spending time together... acknowledging it. I really think important ones are just 6 mo and after that yearly... but just to give something to celebrate.. cuz i like to celebrate i would do it on a 6 month basis. I just like that he knows about it lol.. I know I know I'm a dork!!!

 OK so Brian came over last night.... he was on the phone with me on his way here and he was talking about a conversation he had with his friends at the bar about never using condoms... Then yea we got on the subject of.. me and past people.. there was alec the erick.... my 5 yr then an in between like one night stand. joe.. which ended up happening two times... then him... ok but the erick joe and brian all happened with in a .... week span.... but yea as I told him i didnt plan on getting with him.. and i didnt plan on sleeping with him, I was newly single for the first time in 5 years! I was ... well having fun.. And  because of that he is mad... not that he didnt know about it but because its been bothering him.. He is so pissed about it though and there is nothing i can do about it.. is till feel bad yes the timing was all bad but what can i do about it? I mean honestly? He wants to be with me and he loves me but he cant let go of everything I have done...  And i know i am not proud of things that I have done and I have alot of baggage... but it has been 5 months now... he wants me to get over something that happened almost 5 months ago while we were together but he cant let go of something that happened a few day before we got together.... you see how somethings are one sided here?  He says its different because his thought process is different and he is a guy... does he not think i get the same feelings of anger and jelousy and rage and picture him in my head fucking other girls and people before me? Does he not get that  when I think of him and steph I dont worry about him cheating on me i just picture the hands he puts on me putting them on someone else the way he does me and saying the things he says to me to someone else... and that hurts.. But some how its different for him... some how I am so much worse then him... idk.... i love him but damn does that one confuse me.. I told him some more things today and yesterday about how I feel and yea I'm more comfortable now.. I told him i wanted to feel wanted... he didnt understand.. he was like I always want you how could u not feel wanted? I just want him to  tell me how he feels more.. I mean he says i love you all the time and such but there is more to loving some one then just saying i love you. And he asked me last night if we were ever going to be ok... the answer to that is yes we could be.... but in all honesty i dont think it is me who needs to change things about our relationship any more i believe its him.  I told him he needs to let go of my past... i let go of things that hurt alot more,,,, and he cant let go of things like this? well its not that I dont need to change things too but I am working on them.. And I am doing a damn good job.. there i a song on the radio out now by life house... and honestly.... all I can think of when i hear it is him... its by life house its called whatever it takes. He told me today that I need to stop worrying... and this is what I am going to do... i can't constatly worry about how things are going and if im doing things right and if I am good enough.. I am going to just be me,  he loves me so being me is good enough and yea... just me is what he gets!

and here are some pics




this is my baby in a box!

then again getting ready to go out!

my baby rocking at sing star then us after building a snowman

this would be brian... and our fish lips
this would be us on halloween... cute huh? lol

so i put pics in my gallery but can u see them.. or just me and how can i put them in a post?

So I just realized.... i have never posted anything about me... Well.. i am an 18 year old mother. Her name is  Megan and she will be 3 in June. I am  a damn good mother always have been... This relationship I am in is the first one other then megans dad since I was 13.  And that relationship was no good. I dont really feel like getting into all that though. I am trying to go to school get a job... pay bills and car things... raise a kid, find my self, keep me and my friends happy and make an impossible relationship possible because I believe it can..... In all honesty I am struggling more then I ever have before...